My Christmas Letter

Santa Claus
North Pole, Earth

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at The Edge's Office party. It was Larry who spiked the punch with too much vadka. I can't help it if I drank 12 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like peppermint.

I thought it was funny when I put Bono's g-string on my head and danced the strip tease on the bar while singing `With or Without You'. I didn't mean to break The Edge's ipod and don't know why The Edge would accuse me of Adultry.

I don't remember calling Bono's wife a Slutty Fat Cow---even though she looked like one with purple eye shadow and red lipstick!
And when I threw up on Allie's husband's amazing crotch, it was only because I ate too much of that peppermint bark.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my Hummer through my neighbor's sun porch. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a Graceful Wild Stallion and have me arrested for Streaking!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all hot and sweaty. And I'm really not to blame for any of this skanky stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and Nakedly yours,
Moe (Really a nice girl!)

P.S. It's only 4,420,442.42 bucks!